Buddha once said....

I turned in my official letter of resignation yesterday. Sitting in the dirty late morning light of today, the sheets almost willing me to just go back to sleep and not think about it...I can't decipher if I'm feeling relieved or anxious. 

This is it, the first steps to breaking this cycle. An action that cannot be undone. I have no source of income and, like that, I'm back to where I was nearly 9 months ago. Here lies the anxiety. Yes, that job did nothing to fulfill any desire to do better, to feel as though I were making some sort of positive impact on the world around me.

Or, at the very least, myself. 

But it was something. A relatively reliable schedule, some (albeit little) income. It's become familiar to me, and in that, I find some solace. 

I know I can't let myself think like this. I know it's been harder to walk away from other jobs in the past - for better pay, or better circumstances. But it isn't just about giving up being a bookseller at Barnes & Noble, it's about packing and knowing that June 1st, I'm out of San Jose. It's knowing that June 2nd is an interview that could possibly majorly alter my life's path in the near future. It's about the idea of going to Puerto Rico June 7th without looking back.

Disappearing for an indefinite amount of time. For too many reasons to list. 

And what happens on July 20th when I come back to California? I can't imagine myself as the same apathetic young woman writing this otherwise I know all this will have been in vain. 

I'm scared. Incredibly-boot-shaking-losing-sleep-bags-under-my-eyes-biting-fingernails-sick-to-my-stomach scared. 

But this is it, time to jump off the edge. I only hope the lake below me is clear, inviting, and without malice. The Buddha said, "It's better to travel well than to arrive." Please, let me take that into my heart these next few months. Let it come to me as naturally as breathing so I know that the outcome isn't what I need focus on, but rather my means of achieving it. 

I need this so badly, this feeling of accomplishment and purpose. I feel as though in moments like this it's nearly eating me alive. I just can't begin to comprehend how it is I catch it, instill it deep with myself, and carry on without fear of it being let of its cage again, wings intact, carving good-byes in clouds passerby.