This is it.

I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm overwhelmed. I don't even know where to begin explaining this process because I myself are clueless to 90% of the details. 


But this is it. The beginning of what could possibly be that experience, the 12 months that will ultimately determine the woman I will become. 


The last two days of orientation have been a whirlwind. Meeting this huge, beautiful, eclectic amoeba that is the bay area Americorps - the people I will come to depend on, and the people who will look to me for support along the way. The people I've been looking for. The people I've dreamed of walking with.   


We've talked politics, kids, recited our favorite camp songs, discussed in great detail how amazing avocado with lemon juice and salt is after a long day of gardening, held hands and given epic high-fives, been a bit guarded and a bit vulnerable, and laughed and cheered until we were horse as the rock-paper-scissors tournament of the century rounded down to it's last two competitors. 


I can't tell you where I'll be working or who my team will be. I don't know if I'll be teaching Kindergarteners or 2nd graders. I don't know if I'll be in Oakland or Hayward. 


I don't have a car. And I'm still sleeping on my brother's incredibly uncomfortable couch. 


But this is it. Here marks the beginning of the journey of where I started toward to the woman I've always envisioned myself to be. 

Damien Rice - 9 Crimes - Official Video

Joshua Radin - What If You

On point.

Someone showed this to me a few days ago, and I remember opening the link and hearing my breath catch in my throat. So other people think this way?


Maybe the idea that other people think this way isn't what I mean....Maybe the person who created this, posted it online and those who came across it only to move it along were all apart of this mathematical equation that this is how our brain works: we know what it is we truly want, but it isn't until a decision in eminent that we admit the desirable outcome, even to ourselves. 


Or maybe they work a little more like me: without the courage to admit what we truly want until we have to say it aloud, so why not make a spectacle of it? 


Either way, it settled deeply within me. And in that "a-ha" moment, I recognize that I've been trying to deny - for a number of reasons - this desire to disappear again. I know I talk about moving abroad to teach English, often even, but what have I really done to move forward on that path since Prague? I haven't, partly because I'm afraid of  failing without a safety net, and partly because I know what the reaction will be if I admit to that desire. 


I dream of just...waking up, packing a bag and going. Anywhere. Of watching as through a small window comes the scene of some far-off land rushing past at a thousand miles an hour just before you touch down. A place you hadn't until that moment created in your mind's eye prior to the movie reel introduction. A rough edit yours for the taking, to make over however you want. To be whoever you want to be, to do whatever gets you by, without feeling guilt for either. 


But that fear. 


What can be done with fear?  

Exit 29

Breathe Me.