Something has changed, the dynamic has been altered. When I started this job, I felt invincible, that I was finally on the path of change: both for myself and some of the most deserving people in the world (children). But now, headed into what will be my 5th month in the classroom, I feel off. I've mentioned before that I know part of this is because I am being burned out...but there's something else there. Something lingering at the end of the day I can't quite put my finger on. 

The girls seem distant. There are more car rides in silence, more plans made that exclude me or my input. I know it shouldn't matter, that I should be confident in my ability to work alone if need be, but it bothers me that what was such a well-oiled machine just a month ago has suddenly run out of steam. I know that under the circumstances - having had to work together through the two weeks I was out recovering - that naturally they would have bonded. But I just find that it's another reason why I'm second guessing myself. 

Marco told me about a job at Holy Names that had opened up, an admissions counselor. I'd start a 40 grand, free room and tuition, full benefits. But I'd be stuck.

I know I shouldn't look at it like that, but I can't help but feel slightly caged at the thought of being here another, what? 2, maybe 3 years? Yeah, I'd get a free masters out of it (depending on when I could even start), and I wouldn't have to be here to listen to Marco gripping about me finding somewhere else to live. Both pluses in my book....but I always go back to that length of commitment in the bay area and I feel the hairs on the back of my neck stand up.

I thought I had a plan: to see this through, get my scholarship award at the end, get some great life-long friends out of this and then move east and settle down around the family for awhile. Yet, I hadn't anticipated this sudden change of heart on my co-workers part, or constantly feeling in a tired haze day and night, or getting a car accident that wiped me out financially and will for sometime now that they found me 100% at fault and how am I supposed to pull this off on less than $1,000 a month? Jesus Christ, this is hard. So do I take the offer? I mean they haven't made an offer yet, but they sound incredibly interested.

And it's a free masters, and 40 GRAND A YEAR. Fuck. 

But I'd be living at Holy Names again. Maybe in the same room as before...That's another thing. The memories of that place. 

I don't know, I don't know what to do. I know in my parents eyes I'd look like an idiot for turning this down. 

What would my supervisors say? What about the kids? Will it make a difference whols at the front of the classroom? They all like Blythe better anyhow, I'm too stern with them. 

Maybe I should leave, maybe it doesn't matter in the end. 

I don't know, I don't know what to do.