Necessary Changes

I've realized over the past few weeks that I've kind of slowly slipping into this frantic state of mind that overpowered me before I got my current AmeriCorps gig. 


Indecision. My my, what a terrible thing indecision can be. You might think to yourself: hmm, it sounds to me like you have a lot of wonderful choices. Quit your bitching. To which I may respond, "touche, sir/madam." Because that is very true. I have had in the last year alone some life altering experiences that in turn opened up a completely new realm of possibilities for me. The biggest being that I am now qualified to teach overseas. 


But these last 8 months have also done something else too. For one, I've pushed myself past a number of previous physical and mental boundaries I've had. I'm not quite sure who of you out there on the intranets have stumbled across these postings of mine and how many of you know what AmeriCorps is or the breadth of what its volunteers are expected to do during their term of service (And no, that isn't me being a snooty bitch. I've gotten everything from "Ameri-what?" to "Oh, so you don't have a college degree? Are you on parol or something? I mean why else wouldn't you have just take a normal job?" when asked. And yes, by people who live in America.) but it isn't easy work. Is it rewarding? By all means, yes. Is it fantastic? 99.9% of the time, yes. But it's no fucking stroll in the park. 


And in that 99.9% percent of the time (and I'm sure during that .1% too), I've realized that I love this. Sure it pays like shit, and I work long hours but it isn't forever. In fact, my term is up in just a couple of months. 


So again begins the indecision. 


I have too many bills now to be able to go a month without work like before, so I've started thinking ahead. I applied to an old camp I worked at to be an assistant director, but pulled out after the first interview when they admitted they couldn't guarantee that if I were offered a job, it'd be that one. Ugh ugh, no way am I working with a bunch of 18-year-old frat boys who just get sauced on the weekends and come in hung over Monday morning. Not my scene. 


I also applied to Reading Partners, a rad literacy intervention program based out of Oakland and that I help tutor with once a week at my Elementary school. The biggest differences in our approach to helping boost literacy comprehension skills in 1st through 6th graders being that (one) they have a set curriculum that they follow where we make ours up based on our classes individual needs and what studies show is the best approach and (two) they work with students one on one instead of a classroom style setting of 20 students. I've found that not only is the one on one situation easiest in engaging students - obviously they can't cut up or act out - but it's also the most rewarding and successful approach. I really became close with the two students I work with (one insists on holding my hand as I walk him back to class), and I can see the difference I'm making. Not that I don't with my students now, but it's a lot more muddled with well where does my help end and the day time teachers begin? Granted I'd technically be an AmeriCorps member again if I got offered/took a job with Reading Partners, but I think it be worth it! I have my first phone interview with them on the 29th of the month, so keep your fingers crossed. 


My supervisor at my current job has also dropped hints that he wants to put my name in the running for a promotion which would mean a salary position and job security which be utterly amazing. No new details on that not to mention hiring wouldn't begin until around July. Plus I've learned the lesson of not putting all my eggs in one basket a long time ago so I can't get stuck on this idea too much for now. 


But then I get this creeping reminder. I think to myself over my 8 am cup of coffee: psst, hey, you're almost 25. I gasp and choke and maybe a get a little teary eyed. 


25. Jesus, when did this happen? I feel like I blinked blowing out the candles on my 20th birthday cake and suddenly jumped to this exact moment. What happened to those prying questions at graduation "well, what are you going to do now?" and thinking who gives a shit? I have the world on a string and I'm going to take it full force! Obviously that didn't happen so much. In fact, here I am in a bedroom that I'm sharing with my younger sister. I don't own any furniture or pots and pans, half of my belongings are still in boxes, and I have less than 1000 in my savings account. What am I doing? Can I really subject myself to another year of mediocre lifestyle choices because I just can't afford anything? I wipe the impending tear from my eye when it hits me. 


Just leave the states. Christ if I'd labeled all the times in this blog I've brought up that idea, I would probably feel entitled to change its name from YParaBorinquen to I'mOutBitches! But seeing as how I have the amount of experience necessary now to get into a good school with good pay and my parents are in the market to lease a car so they can dump their old ones, it may just work out. So I'd wait tables for awhile, save a ton of money, and just bounce. Go move to Costa Rica and live in a small town where I could wake up and go paddle boarding in the morning or read Love in the Time of Cholera in a handwoven hammock. 


I guess I still have 2 more months to really weigh what it is I want to do. 


What that may be, who knows for now. Just have to keep on keepin' on.