I guess with age comes the responsibility of strength. To be strong not always for yourself, but certainly for others. And I've found that in recognizing the necessity of that strength, I've started to become not only jaded but calculated, especially in times of personal weakness. 


The idea of yet another move - this time a result of nothing that had to do with me - a hospital ridden father whose been lying to us about his deteriorating health, a birthday no one seemed to remember this year including Andrew, and the prospect of having to start work in only a short couple of weeks has leaving me anxious and struggling to find the positive in anything. 


I've lost the urge to run. Although I'll have my moments of desire to continue, to get better and develop into the athlete I've always dreamed of, a morning like this comes to and I'm stuck. I'm left only wanting to lay in bed all day and read. Turn off my phone and avoid both the outside world and myself as much as possible. These should be the days I push myself to get dressed and take even the shorter route, but I find nothing within myself. No will, no drive, no push. Nothing. 


I've tried so hard as of late to not have to rely on people. I'm not saying I'm attempting to become some recluse, but to want friends and to need them are complete different. But now, in these darker moments, I realize that I've lost the ability to be strong for myself having had to be strong for everyone else. 


Jaded and calculated. 


I asked my mom and sister to go ahead to the hospital without me so I could have an hour or so to run and work out. That was half an hour ago. Instead, I'm sitting at the computer with a bowl full of milk from my cereal. Still in my pajamas, holding no intention to go running. Maybe later when its cool and I can stop on the track to finally be alone.