Aroma

I've started to lose myself to the grind once again, so naturally my writing has suffered because of it.

Maybe part of the reason I haven't written lately is because I haven't had much negativity. Or, at the very least, fewer conflicting desires.

I decided to take the drive in Marin tonight just to escape for a little while. I've been dreaming constantly of the island, so I came up for Sol Food and thought it wouldn't hurt to grab a coffee at Aromas on 4th like before. It's crazy to sit at my table, tucked in the far right back corner and imagine all the years I've been coming here and under what circumstances. All the nights with Kimber and Clay in high school when we needed an out from Novato. All the late night studying just minutes before closing time. All the ex-boyfriends, failed first dates, and casual encounters. Maybe more so than anything, all the writing I've done here, especially this kind...the kind that measures where I've been and how far I've come.

I can remember the pure panic I felt as I rounded those last months at Dominican.I remember asking myself where I'd go from here - I'd fallen in love with San Rafael and couldn't imagine living anywhere else. And here I am, four years later, still returning to the safe havens of what was once a constant in my life. It's hard to say I don't miss it, but with so much time that's passed, the pain only comes as a submissive burn rather than a blazing pain as it once was. 

so much has changed from even just six months ago let alone since I've graduated. I've escaped so much of my own toxicity. I've become healthier in every way possible. I've become a more resilient woman overall, which may be the best gift I've yet to give myself. I work hard every day and although I'm far from being perfect at what I do, I can laugh at my mistakes now, wipe my hands on the thighs of my jeans with pleasure and press on again. I'm no longer the deer-in-headlights that I was before, but rather a respected member of a team where my input and furthered practice matters. 

I still have a lot of growing to do. There is still lingering pain that on nights like tonight I'm not positive will ever truly abate, but I'm starting to understand now that like joy, we must walk side by side with our pain if only slightly ahead of it so that it doesn't cloud our foresight but not so in the distance where it stays ignored and misunderstood.

There inlies the biggest difference among my siblings and myself. Where I once used to view rejection and misfortune as punishment, I understand now that not only are both unavoidable in this life, but are instead lessons just as valuable as sitting in on the lecture of a most beloved professor (how I miss you Rich Simon!).

I can't say where I'll end up in June after my second term is up, but I'm OK. Things come and go as they will. I guess none of us can be sure what comes next, at least not completely. So for now, I'll continue to take comfort in those little constants. 

The soft hiss of an espresso machine, the rabid click of grinds being pressed pressed pressed, the hum drum of belated conversation, and the warmth of a coffee that tastes just as good as it did 10 years ago.